RICHMOND, VA—Though confirming he is mostly satisfied with his newly acquired Mac desktop, local man Peter Selwyn said Wednesday he is disappointed that it is unable to do something that in fact every modern computer, including his own, is alrea

www.theonion.com/articles/man-wishes-computer-could-do-thing-it-already-can,31925/

CHICAGO—Though it contains several significant discoveries with a direct bearing on human health, a comprehensive study published this week in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found no data that will in fact convince you to...

www.theonion.com/articles/new-study-finds-nothing-that-will-actually-convinc,32259/

Lifestyle

FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James Holmes as their new president Monday, sources confirmed.

www.theonion.com/articles/james-holmes-elected-new-nra-president,32326/

WASHINGTON—Following FBI reports this morning that the suspects implicated in Monday’s Boston Marathon bombing are of Chechen descent, efforts to thoughtlessly stereotype the alleged terrorists were impeded by the majority of Americans

www.theonion.com/articles/study-majority-of-americans-not-informed-enough-to,32124/

MARIETTA, GA—Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, make

www.theonion.com/articles/social-media-rock-star-makes-28000-per-year,32301/

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.

www.theonion.com/articles/breaking-still-nothing,32114/

The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend.

www.theonion.com/articles/2013-nra-convention-schedule-of-events,32305/

CHICAGO—Calling the overall human experience “poignant,” “thought-provoking,” and a “complete tour de force,” film critic Roger Ebert praised existence Thursday as “an audacio

www.theonion.com/articles/roger-ebert-hails-human-existence-as-a-triumph,31945/

WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background

www.theonion.com/articles/emotional-wayne-lapierre-honors-victims-of-backgro,31836/

Technology

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced Monday that she was ‘jealous’ of the 15-year-old Holocaus

www.theonion.com/articles/justin-bieber-fan-jealous-of-anne-frank,32067/

PHILADELPHIA—A voting panel of journalists and prominent sports figures elected the D battery to the Philadelphia Sports Hall of Fame Sunday, honoring the alkaline storage cell’s many achievements in pelting players from visiting teams

www.theonion.com/articles/d-battery-elected-to-philadelphia-sports-hall-of-f,32026/

Sports

WASHINGTON—President Obama left attendees of the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in stitches Saturday night after delivering a hilarious speech repeatedly telling the entire room to “fuck off.” &l

www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-you-obama-says-in-hilarious-correspondents-di,32245/

Politics

WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week. This fucking week, sources added. Christ. “Seriously, can

www.theonion.com/articles/jesus-this-week,32105/

The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.

www.theonion.com/section/health/

Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation. 

www.theonion.com/articles/the-onions-tips-for-passing-gun-control-legislatio,32103/

Politics

WASHINGTON—Following the Senate’s rejection of a bipartisan amendment to expand background checks for gun buyers, the young victims of next week’s school shooting emphatically thanked members of Congress today for failing to

www.theonion.com/articles/next-weeks-school-shooting-victims-thank-senate-fo,32094/

Politics

PYONGYANG—Amidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a nuclear war are distracting him from the more fundamental goal of star

www.theonion.com/articles/kim-jongun-wonders-if-nuclear-threats-distracting,31998/

Politics

Men In Black 3: The third installment in the popular franchise answers the question “What would happen if there was a third Men In Black movie?” What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Cameron Diaz discovers the cat f...

www.theonion.com/articles/top-movies-of-2012,30773/

Entertainment

The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.

www.theonion.com/section/local/

After being placed on antiretroviral medications beginning 30 hours after its birth, a child born HIV positive was found to be completely free of the disease two and a half years later, offering hope for a potential cure for the roughly 330,000 infants bo

www.theonion.com/articles/baby-cured-of-hiv,31521/