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Man Wishes Computer Could Do Thing It Already Can Do | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
RICHMOND, VA—Though confirming he is mostly satisfied with his newly acquired Mac desktop, local man Peter Selwyn said Wednesday he is disappointed that it is unable to do something that in fact every modern computer, including his own, is alrea
New Study Finds Nothing That Will Actually Convince You To Change Your Lifestyle So Just Forget It | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
CHICAGO—Though it contains several significant discoveries with a direct bearing on human health, a comprehensive study published this week in The Journal Of The American Medical Association has found no data that will in fact convince you to...
FAIRFAX, VA—Saying that he embodies the organization’s core values and beliefs, members of the National Rifle Association elected Aurora, CO mass shooter James Holmes as their new president Monday, sources confirmed.
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Informed Enough To Stereotype Chechens | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON—Following FBI reports this morning that the suspects implicated in Monday’s Boston Marathon bombing are of Chechen descent, efforts to thoughtlessly stereotype the alleged terrorists were impeded by the majority of Americans
Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
MARIETTA, GA—Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, make
WATERTOWN, MA—Sources can now confirm that there is still nothing new to report on the search for Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokar A.
The National Rifle Association is holding its 142nd annual meeting in downtown Houston this weekend.
Roger Ebert Hails Human Existence As 'A Triumph' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
CHICAGO—Calling the overall human experience “poignant,” “thought-provoking,” and a “complete tour de force,” film critic Roger Ebert praised existence Thursday as “an audacio
Emotional Wayne LaPierre Honors Victims Of Background Checks | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON—In an emotionally charged press conference addressing gun control legislation, NRA vice president Wayne LaPierre delivered a tearful speech Wednesday honoring the thousands of Americans who have tragically fallen victim to background
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Following weekend reports that teen pop sensation Justin Bieber visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, local Bieber fan Khloe McNeal, 13, announced Monday that she was ‘jealous’ of the 15-year-old Holocaus
D Battery Elected To Philadelphia Sports Hall Of Fame | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
PHILADELPHIA—A voting panel of journalists and prominent sports figures elected the D battery to the Philadelphia Sports Hall of Fame Sunday, honoring the alkaline storage cell’s many achievements in pelting players from visiting teams
'Fuck You,' Obama Says In Hilarious Correspondents' Dinner Speech | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON—President Obama left attendees of the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner in stitches Saturday night after delivering a hilarious speech repeatedly telling the entire room to “fuck off.” &l
WASHINGTON—Calling the last four days of American life just...I mean, talk about a goddamned punch in the gut, citizens across the nation confirmed today that, Jesus, this week. This fucking week, sources added. Christ. “Seriously, can
The Onion’s Tips For Passing Gun Control Legislation | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
Write gun control legislation. Pass gun control legislation.
Next Week's School Shooting Victims Thank Senate For Failing To Pass Gun Bill | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
WASHINGTON—Following the Senate’s rejection of a bipartisan amendment to expand background checks for gun buyers, the young victims of next week’s school shooting emphatically thanked members of Congress today for failing to
Kim Jong-Un Wonders If Nuclear Threats Distracting Him From Real Goal Of Starving Citizenry | The Onion - America's Finest News Source www.theonion.com
PYONGYANG—Amidst escalating tensions between North Korea and the global community, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un expressed concern Tuesday that his ongoing threats of inciting a nuclear war are distracting him from the more fundamental goal of star
Men In Black 3: The third installment in the popular franchise answers the question “What would happen if there was a third Men In Black movie?” What To Expect When You’re Expecting: Cameron Diaz discovers the cat f...
After being placed on antiretroviral medications beginning 30 hours after its birth, a child born HIV positive was found to be completely free of the disease two and a half years later, offering hope for a potential cure for the roughly 330,000 infants bo